I didn’t exactly start praying that weekend after the book launch, but I did look up online how to meditate. It mainly involved closing my eyes and breathing, while also calmly letting go of passing thoughts. I focused on my breathing. You were allowed to do that. You could even count the breaths. And then at the end you could just think about anything you wanted, but after five minutes of counting my breath, I didn’t want to think. My mind felt empty, like the inside of a glass jar. I was appropriating my fear of total disappearence as a spiritual practice. I was inhabiting disappearence as something that could reveal and inform, rather than totalise and annihilate. A lot of the time my meditation was unsuccessful.
Sally Rooney
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